and he iritated me for no good reason.

What I would realy have like was a room with just myself and Steve, because the two of us where beggining to fall assunder without valium.

We where both in the thick of a breakdown.

This as I have said was the third year of me taking Bottles and I had been six or so years on valium, so this was the first withdrawl from pills and I hadn't got a clue as to what was going on, all I knew is that I felt terrible.

Looking back I also think there was a gas leak in the house because all we could smell was gas or maybe the smell was imaginary, something that you get with valium withdrawl's.

I said to him, "This is all because of the pills"

HE said, "what do you mean?

"The withdrawls, the way we are feeling, its because we dont have any Valuim".

Stephen; I remember had brought several cards of Valium and Dalmaine over with him, but by now they where gone.

We decided that we should  or should I say, I decided that we should go and see a doctor.

We decided to and see and English Doctor, because i couldn't take it no more, and I asked him for some Valuim,I asked him for some valuim rather nervously telling him that I had come over from Ireland with enough valuim from my own doctor, but that NOW i had run out of them.

"sorry"he said.

"why" i said, i'm in a bad way."

"I can give you something else". he said.

"what?"

So he gave me a script for some thing else that didn't work.

It was a compleate nightmare, I was shaking and close to vomiting walking out the door, and walking back to the flat with Steve.

Steve really hadn't recieved his withdrawls as yet, so he just seen this nurotic brother on the verge of going insane.

It must have scared him, I just kept saying, I cant take it, I cant take it.

The next day Stephen recieved his withdrawls and it was my turn to look out for him, well, at least by telling him  that what I was going through and he was going through was due to the lack of what he had been taking on and off for months and months.

I dont know when steve started taking valuim, but me, i started taking them when i was 14 and now I was 20.

I really wished I was dead during that time, I had recieved the withdrawls a couple of years before when I had come to London, because, I allway's made the mistake when I came over of not taking enough pills with me or I would run out of them compleatley. 

This in itself was stupid, a stupid mistake, because within a week, I would begin to feel really bad like I was rooted to the ground with fear.

There where times, People, were I thought I was going to drop down dead in the street from panic attacks.

This used to happen in Ireland too, but I did not know what was going on, I had this vague notion that it was because of what I was taking.

But I didn't realy know what was going on.

This was London and it wasn't realy the best place to be when all of this was going on.I'm sure during the times when I was alone in the train stations that I must have looked quite insane.

Then again it does happen in the head and the body, people can't realy see what is going on with you during these panic attacks, but you convince your self that they are all watching you, because you think that you are making all of these awkward movements, it is so strange on the mind.

So there I was in the middle of London with my brother who was just starting to feel what I was feeling, at least, I thought well now I have a companion

Drug withdrawls are terrible, but valuim withdrawls are the worst.

It takes at least one month for every year that you have been on these pills, so that if you have been on them for seven years, then it will take you about seven months to a year to slowley wean your self off them.maybe even longer than that.

so the night that we had both lost it on the benylin codiene, at least that was all behind us.

strangley enough with what ever tha English doctor had given me, it was beggining to work, and to bring me down off the nurotic way that I was feeling.

I was starting to calm down a little, So the next day, my self....Oh yhe,it had also been a bank holiday during this time, which made things doubly worse, because we could not go to our usual chemist, or there was no Chemist and we had not recieved a Giro as yet, I think we were due one on the tuesday.

So on that monday morning, Steve and I went into the local park, it was the hieght of summer and the sun was splitting the rocks, we went in and drank a disgusting bottle of phenz which we had been lucky to get, but the unfortunate thing was wit did not have the same ingriediants in it.

They had taken the real codiene out of the bottle and replaced with a psudo codiene, it didn't work anyhow.

"we'll never forget this weekend". said Stephen.

"No" I agreed.

"what do you want to do then?" he said.

"I want to go back home again"I said.

"Right then, we'll go back home on the Giro". I said.

Reliefe. So we went back home on the wedensday, as soon as we got paid the Giro, after all we realy had only come over for the weekend, and just on the off chance we thought we might just stay a few extra days.

We only came over to London on this occasion to look at materials for a Chip van that we were thinking of setting up, when we did set it up, it only lasted a week, Steve had had his share of the Capitalistic life style with the shop van that he had and then the shop whcih he was one of three people, the youngest who tendered for it and got it, this was somehting he was realy proud about, and so he should be.

During the time that he owned the shop, he went aqnd bought him self a little Chip vsan which we both used to work at night, well three nights per week.

He had bought the chippie and set it up around the corner from the shop in Blanchardstown.

As I said, the both of used to work this van at night and we had a great time doing so too.

We would sit and have these great talks, there was this little scenario that we used to amuse our selve's with when ever we got bored, or when ever it was quite.

The two of us used to imagine this great light coming out of the sky and taking us up with it, it would zoom in and take us off to a better place thatn where we where at.

It was basic escapisim, just getting away from it all, you see Steve was never realy happy with what he achieved, the same with my dad, he too was never happy with the achievment that he made, they where just something to aim for and when he would reach his goal, he just didn't want to be there any more.

It was just the way it was, they where not greedy, they just wanted to proove something to them selves, I suppose.

He my dad got as far as having 12 men working for him in this car factory, all doing security, my dad also had a shop van in poppintree, just off Ballymun, he just had it as a part time thing.

The thing that my dad enjoyed doing the best of all was selling things, he could sell rain to the English, or snow to the Eskimo's.

He was a great sales man, a little bit of a genius.

But you see, he had this problem, that when he got to where he wanted, when he achieved what he wanted to achieve, he simply didn't want it any more.

He became disinterested and then he went back to the thing ha hated and loved the best, the brink and the drug's.

He would have nothing at all to do with Heroin,he would leave that to what he would call the real Junkies,no, chunall was his drug, but the truth was he was the real or at least just as real as any junkie, because when he was on this stuff, he would be totally out of it and stoned on the coutch, he would wear his Elvis shades and this would be another sign that he was using again.

It was horrible to see him like this, he realy believed that he wasn't doing anyone any harm by taking them.

But the truth would be, he would tear us all apart, emotionally.

But during the three year's or so that he remained sober, it was great.

Athough it was only the last year of hgis sobriety that I was with him.

I lived in his ear during this time.

Anyhow, Stephen was very like my Dad in some respects, especially with regards the Buissness aspect.

I remember the year 1977 was a grat year for me, I was with my Dad and he was sober and he was so full of lofe and clarity.

He had a little red Morriss Minor and he would got to work every morning.

At the weekends, when I was not at school I would go up on the Sunday and sit with him while he did his day on Chrysler, doing security man.

He was a great Boss and all of the men loved him.except towards the end were their was this one guy who he thought was trying to take his job, probably a little insecurity on my Dads part.

He would go through all ofhtese fits of insecurity, you know where he would drive my mum insane asking her if it was this way or that way, if this guy was realy trying to take his Job.

My mum would tell him over and over again, no he is not trying to take your Job.

The three years that my Dad was sober where the best year's of my life, probabaly.

Even when I was living with my mother in Finglas and she would be drunk most day's of the week, it was still the best day's in my life.

Because I knew that one of my parents was safe.

If things got really bad I would have somwere to run too. and I did when things got too bad  and I could not take it any more, it took a great deal of pain before I would actually do this.  I put up with most of what my Mother dished out to me.

Anyhow, back to LondonThe first time I got to see the p0lace was with my brother Steve where the two of traveled over on the Plane.

We were later joined by a good friend of the family Robert Conolly.

He was a friend from childhood up.

He was first and fourmost a friend of My middle brother Morgan,.

So There we were in London, Steve and I on the Quex road in a pub with Jimmie Canavan and his dad and  his dad's wife.

It was a strange little Irish pub.

The three of us where going on about how great it was to be over in London

Steve and I were close to Victoria Train Station, in a guesthouse called the victoria.So there we where Steve and I in London, in Quex Road an older peoples pub, with Jimmie and his Dad.

We had some great nights in the beggining, we were even drinking, without any trouble between us, at least not until the rest of them came over , then we had a few close shaves.

But right now Steve and i were able to go out and have a few lagers between us and not fight, we needed each other to be straight and without all the fighting.

We had made a deal not too fight or row, and the Peace was holding.

Now and then we would get drunk and make a little bit of a show of our selves, ussually I would be the one too do that.

I was young after all, I had that excuse.

There was one day that we where in this well to do Pub, in Victoria, close to the guesthouse we were staying at and I got so blotto, it was a bright summers day, Ican still see it clearly.

There we where in this pub, there was a door to my right where you could look out where you could look out and see all this English traffic, and the bright summers day.

I looked up from the table only to see stephen a few tables down from me to my right and suddenly realised that I had just lifted my head up from a cold plate of dinner.

It was a mess, the food was all stuck to my hair and Stephen looked down at me and gave me this wonderful smile, it was a great big smile, a classic moment.

I must have looked a site for sore eye's, this drunken Irishman asleep in his plate of dinner.

Igot up from my plate went into the toilet and cleaned myself off and we both walked out into the bright summers day.

Those first days with Steve where great, there was not fighting and as i hjave said, we made a verbal ruling that there was to be no fighting at all,over anything.

We where afraid ofrunning out of money, so that we went to the D.H.S.S in Victoria and signed on within a day, what a kip that office was with drunken louts every where, it was dam scary, that place.

This was the time that  lot of people where going across the waters and skimming off the dole.

Steve and I where never short of cash in London, and eventually we went and got our selves a job. Steve on the London underground and Iin a security firm by the name of globe.

I remember I worked in a place called the appollo.  and I would be standing thereon my two feet all day watching these rich guys going about the place, looking at the various things on show, from food to cars.

I didnt last in this job too long, about two months.

The best thing that I got to do while I was in this job was to work in virgin warehouse. I got a few nights there and I would watch all of these videos and listen to all of these records that where in the warehouse.

I remember listening to Paul simon songbook, an album that was recorded while he was in London him self. With just him doing aa lot of the S+G songs on his own.

I loved that record.

I was very big into Paul Simon at this time, so this was a big treat for me. In fact, both my brother Steve and myself where big fans of his and everytime we got drunk we would put him on and listen avidly.

We would make it our buissness to sing along with the likes of "Duncan".

"The couple in the next room, bound to win a prize, they've been going at it all night long. Well i'm try'na get some sleep but these motel walls are cheap, Lincoln Duncan is my name and here's my song"

wonderful stuff.

We would continually look at each other and just say, what a writer, and with our talks of me developing my songwriting skills, we would say oh just too write like that.

Or we would be in a pub in opur hometown and the wanderers would come on and we would here Dylan come on at the end of the film singing the times are a changing.

We would be blown away with these writers and their songs, they would wipe us out

Later on I got over my Paul Simon phase, but Steve, he kept his love for Paul Simon and his music, even up as far as graceland.

I was lost with that album, wasn''t my cup of tea.

anyhow i would be in this Virgin warehouse in the middle of London.

I would feel great, I watched every episode of faulty towers that night, while at the same time walking next door to scan the collection of records that where there .

There where records from all over the place and it was not only virgin records, it was every label you could imagine.

Ah, it was great, Robbie, our friend, he had told me about the warehouse the week before, because he had worked it the week before.

Robbie was also with the same security company. Actually he was the first one to get a job with them I think. .

I had only been working in the place two nights when a van pulls up out side, a little security van and broke the news to me that I would have to go somewhere else.

It ended up being this enormous Hospital in the middle of , Oh I dont even remember where it was.

It was awfull having to leave this cosy enviorment, this cosy place Virgin warehouse for a cold Hospital.

Bye Bye faulty towers and Paul Simon and the greatest record collection i was ever likeley to see., anyhow thats another story, right now it was just Steve and I and we where drinking lagers every day for the first week that we where there.

We had as I say, some good days during that first week.

We would go into our local, some day's collecting Jimmy before we did, and then we would go and have a game of pool.

We loved to do that I was pretty good at that game, because I enjoyed it.

I remember that Frankie goes to Hollywood were at the top of the charts at the time with relax.

, believe it or not  as i write I am listening to to the power of Love in Eddie rockets and its bringing me right back.

I loved London, I loved been there with my broother, we enjoyed the simple things that first week, a game of pool, a few beers, fish and chips that night and a ride home back to Victoria on the tube.

This was a buzz, all on its own, there was something amazingly uplifting about the underground subway.

I dont know exactley what it was, but we would ride it the best part of the day, ussually searching for Bottles, new Chemists to find.

So in the first week it was Steve Jimmy and I, Jimmy was great company, he was quite but a very smart lad.

We would get up in the morning, Myself and Steve from our beds in Victoria go down stairs have an English brekfast and watch the morning news, then we would be up and out the door.

Sraight on to the tube and out to Jimmy in westhampstead.

We would call in and I think, yes, I had my guitar with me athough I wasn't too proficient as yet, but I was getting there.

"Right Jimmie let's go".

"Ahhh give is a break".

Jim was a wee bit lazy and hated getting out of his bed.

"Do a tea for us". he would say and then he would skin up a joint, he enjoyed the hashis, me I hated the stuff and I think at this stage I was really getting into the bottles and just wanted to go and get mine, in the nearest chemist.

Anyway, after a cuppa, we where away, go down stairs and out the door, get on a tube and headed for Mornington cresent.

In camden town we would grab our selves a few bottles between us.

Either codien linctus or Phenze.

I was truly getting into that drug, big time and eventually I would go and get it my self.

But right now there was the three of us on that train.

The drug train.

Jim knew the Chemists so well that that the Chemist used to write on the outside of his bottle, "Jimmies bottle".

We would fall about laughing about that ande then we would walk around the corner after coming out of the Chemist and turning left and then right, there was a little cafe` just around the corner, right facing Mornington train staation.

It was just one of those little caf's that was just oozing with  with plenty of atmospheare.

We would sit in there and order a small brekfast and just wait?

For what?

And wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For what I hear you ask?

AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like clockwork it would arrive, the first sighn.........The wonderfull glow in the pit of your stomach.

Then next it would travel too your arms and legs and around your bottom, you the back of your neck then way up to your head

It had arrived, the wonderfull Buzz had arrived, the comforting warm glow, this was what it was all about, this was the addiction.

That buzz would kill all of your pains, phisical and emotional.

You would just sit there all satisfied and saing to each other these words.

"Are you coming up?"

"Yhe".

"Are you getting a hit?"

Oh yhe".

Ah I'm suddenly wacked".

All of these phrases and you would constantley scratch your self, every where.

Nose arms legs groin feet toes.

"Yhe, thats a nice one".

We where in our element.

The first bottle that you ever take is the one that you always look for, for years later you look for this same buzz that you had the first time that you took that bottle.

But you never did get it the same way, it was never the same after your first bottle.

You could spend the rest of eternity trying to enjoy tht bottle the same way, but it's just impossible to go back there the same way.

The first coulple of weeks in London, was as I say just me and my brother Steve.

We would go out and have a few lagers and a few games of pool or evenb snoocker, and then go back to the hotel that evening.

We used to love that, after spending the day with Jimmy in his dad house wathching T.V.

Then going into the train station to buy our tickets for sixty or seventy pence.

I dont know what it was about this little routine that we loved so much.

I would say that it was the bottles except I have heard other people who did not take drugs saying the same thing.

They had the same good feeling traveling the London underground.

There was nother night when Robbie and Steve came home and lay on their beds and shook the whole night long with sickness.